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It irritates me immeasurably that the quest for a decent pot of tea outside one’s home is often bitter and fruitless.

Apart from the joyous flowering of tea houses across Brisbane in recent years, (of which Queenies Tea House was the first and is still the best IMO) regard or skill in making tea has been swept aside in the craze for coffee that has gripped this town. Sure, good coffee is a good thing, but you know by the way you see people wandering about every day prominently clutching their environment harming paper cups like little beacons of pseudo-sophistication that this isn’t about the beverage.
When your 60+ grandma who still eats tinned beetroot in salads orders a macchiato, you know something wacky’s going on.

But I digress. The point of this is that of late I have been continuously disappointed to pay for pots of tea that have been slapped together by waitresses who have no fonking idea about tea, and so make it like it’s a plunger of coffee. The result is usually completely undrinkable, and the fact that I’ll then get charged as much or more than a large coffee for the trouble really gets my goat. Even attempts to reduce the impact of bad tea making by going with herbal blends has backfired. I recently was served a tiny plunger filled 1/3 up with chamomile flowers, so that in the short walk from the counter to my table it was treacle dark and like swallowing pointy knives.

So, all you food and beverage service attendants out there who’ve never been shown how to make tea because who cares? it’s just tea, this is how you assemble a half decent pot of tea in cafe circumstances

  1. Tea is stronger by weight/volume than coffee. You don’t need a tablespoon per cup. In fact 1-2 teaspoons is sufficient for a whole pot. Seriously
  2. Fill the teapot to the top. The cost of water is minimal/zero in this equation, so why are you being so stingy and only filling pots halfway? Can you see that lid? It stops the water spilling out the top, it’s like magic
  3. Cold milk only please. Steamed milk is absolutely undrinkable in tea
  4. Figure out which teas need milk and which don’t. It’s not hard- sniff the tea. If it smells fruity or flowery you probably don’t need it
  5. And lastly for cafe owners, how about some teacups for a change? I’m tired of slurping tea in thick rimmed coffee cups with useless little handles you can’t stick your finger through. I would also ask for pots with internal filters, so you can remove the leaves once the tea’s steeped and they won’t stew and go bitter, but I don’t want to overwhelm you

I unfortunately lack the emotional capacity to tell you how I feel about being served a cup of hot water and a teabag on a plate, so here I will end my rant

Thank you

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Jumspstarts that revive my shrivelled mind:

  • French Earl Grey tea. I could sniff this stuff all day long. If angels farted this would be what it smells like
  • Big blue skies that go on forever
  • Winding roads through rainforests or bush
  • Those yellow daisies that grow by the side of the road and in fields
  • Watching guinea pigs eat – squee factor of 50+
  • The Psychedelic Furs